Johnny who?

I shouldn’t have been that surprised. It was inevitable. A matter of time.
They found them, just as I had once found them.
Condoms. In my bedside table.
It could have happened anytime. It didn’t. It happened as I facetimed my brother and his family.
The shriek of juvenile jubilation interrupting my conversation. All focus now on the shimmering foil packet being waved above Max’s head.
“We were looking for chocolate” they laughed
“That would be in mum’s drawer” I thought.
“They looked like lollies”
“Wrong” I thought
“Why do you have condoms? That means you and mum have sex!”
“Wrong again” I thought
And so they danced around the room laughing, holding up my prophylactic, as my brother laughed on. Hilarious. Not. I thought.
At least they haven’t opened it.
Again. Wrong.
We have Zak. My rambunctious 10 year old.
He opened it.
“eew it’s got sex cream on it”
Oh dear. This is getting awkward.
I’m still chatting with my bro as they have their first experience with a French letter.
“Why is it so slimy dad?”
I tell my brother I’m pleased to be sharing this special moment with him.
He laughs.
I explain why it’s so slimy and ask for it back.
They just turn and leave the room mumbling in between a fit of giggles; “it smells”
I watch on incredulously.
They return with my love glove full of water.
“look dad. It’s a water balloon.”
I said goodbye to my bro.
After wrestling the over inflated cock sock from their hands I empty it down the sink and steer the conversation back to the topic of the day.
Max’s birthday.
It is 730am. Maxs 11th birthday. We had just opened presents when these jokers started their shenanigans
So when I dropped them at the bus stop I did what any self respecting dad would do. I blasted the chorus of Stevie Wonders “Happy Birthday” at full volume. All their peers turned to see this singing, head swaying, shade wearing, crazy man pointing at Max. My boys could not have run away faster.
Maybe they will think twice before playing with my condoms in the future.
No. who am I kidding.
It would be easier to get the snip.