I’ll miss the masterbation conversations

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Well if that’s not a headline grabber I don’t know what is. I’ll explain….

We are in the home straight. One week to go before schools out for summer (i wrote about a previous summer here)

It’s funny. As parents we can’t wait until the summer holidays arrive so we don’t have to make lunches, get the kids up early, drive them to training, watch them play sport and deal with homework and general school duties. The washing pile frees itself of inside out and still buttoned school shirts.

But two weeks into the holiday period we pray for the end to come.

Now is our summer. For a boy from Glasgow it still takes a bit of getting used to. In December I’m used to the snow, the ice, the rain, the wind. Darkness at 330pm. Winter – as they say in Glasgow – is coming.

Today it’s 41 degrees here in Melbourne. That’s a touch too warm. But I’m not complaining. A beach Christmas is awesome and the reason I moved here in the first place.

During the holiday season I miss the car pooling conversations the kids have. You can garner a huge amount of insider information from the pick ups and drop offs. I get to hear all the gossip. I don’t have girls but I hear that it can get pretty bitchy in the back seat when 5 girls get going.

The boys just talk about dicks and accuse each other of wanking. Then they discuss what girls they think are cool or not cool and who is going out with who. Then they go back to their 43 different conversations on whatsapp.

I no longer moderate. Gone are the times I try and cajole them into a more appropriate line of discussion. You try and encourage them to be empathetic towards others. To be a little PC. To be considerate of others feelings. You do the correct parent thing and put a halt to any conversation or wording that might cross the line.

Not anymore. They are little adults. And they talk about little adult things. And I have to admit to getting sucked into some schoolyard banter.

But for me next week, Friday 14th December 2018, is the end of a significant chapter in our family’s life. We no longer have any children in primary school.

Never again will I sit through a primary school ceremony where, god bless them, a talentless crew of individuals grind and pluck their instruments to within an inch of their maximum tensile strength. And individual singers, whose parents should have stopped them, get their 15 seconds of infamy.

I know I’m being harsh. But I’m battle weary. I’ve been double dosing on recitals and assemblies for 8 long years. I’ve reached my limit. And thankfully mother nature knows that, which is why she created primary and secondary.

Next week Max, in year 7, is off on school camp for 4 nights. I’m going to try and offload the other one for a few days too. The days of my kids being out my house are few and far between. So when one goes on camp we try and offload the other for a few nights.

It gives me and my wife some quality time together.

I’m not saying I’m happy when the kids leave the house for a few days but I have bought 4 bottles of champagne and a packet of Viagra in anticipation .

I’m joking.

I didn’t buy any champagne.

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