You do WHAT with your penis??
Running naked through the house is a nightly occurrence for both my boys. But for Zak, my 7 year old this tends to go hand in hand (no pun intended) with his regular one man puppetry of the penis routine. I tell him as he tugs and pulls at his little fella’ stretching it to within a few millimetres of its capacity, that if he pulls it off he won’t be able to have children of his own.
As I said this to him he stopped immediately. His penis twanged back into place like a snapped elastic band, whipping onto his stomach with a sharp thwack. (it’s my story and I’m allowed to build him up that way)
He looked at me, one eyebrow raised and said;
“Why do I need my penis to make a baby?”
And so it seemed like the time was right for ‘the chat”. We have been through this with Max. I pulled out the famous book by Peter Mayle, “Where did I come from” and talked him through it. Max took it in his stride, asked a few questions and moved on.
Zak was different. As soon as I brought out the book he said, “this is boring.” I had only reached page 1.
We got through the pages that talk about the parts of the body. I had his full attention as he looked on at the picture of the naked girl. But as I continued his interest waned. I told him we were getting to the main event shortly, the title fight, and to hang in there. But I had lost him. He was not that interested. Maybe I should have stopped. Maybe the time wasn’t right.
I didn’t stop. I skipped straight to the action.
So as Zak starts to leave the room bored I jump to the bit when the man is lying on the woman kissing. He stops. He turns. He’s back. Full attention.
As the book goes into the details Zak’s expression is delightful. Eyes widening, mouth open. Disbelief and amazement apparent. He keeps looking down at his penis and then back at the book. Trying to get his head around it all.
The book goes into the finer points about the “tickly feeling” a man has and the books explains how it all ends by saying;
“…and when you have a tickle in your nose for a long time, and then you have a really big sneeze? It’s a little like that.”
I pause. Waiting for the questions. But there was nothing.
As I finished reading those words Zak lost total interest. He wasn’t embarrassed he wasn’t shy. He just got up and left.
I chuckled to myself as I realised the irony.
That is always how it ends for blokes.