1 emoji….2 emoji….3 emoji….4

I’m confused.
I was confused 4 years ago when I wrote asking about the etiquette of an X at the end of a message.
They were simpler times. I only had to worry about the X .
Tonight that changed.
Tonight, I froze. I froze searching for the correct emoji to put at the end of my whatsapp message.
The emoji.
The harmless little emoji.
The cheeky little yellow smiling….or laughing….or sad….or puking…..or wonky eyes….or sunglasses…..or tongue out…..or kissing….or happy….or crying face…..emoji.
Fuck you emoji ????
I had a mini panic attack. After years of use I couldn’t decide which emoji to put at the end of my message. I scrolled and scrolled for minutes. These minutes were unbearable. I knew the recipient could see me writing and I knew they were wondering what the delay was.
I had to give up. I sent an emoji-free text message.
How can the recipient possibly understand my tone if I don’t insert a wonky or winking face at the end of my message.
‘What did he mean?’
‘Is he angry with me?”
“Is he flirting with me?”
“Is he serious?”
“Was that a joke?”
“Why didn’t he put an emoji. Or at least an X. I sent him an X. He’s so rude!!!!.”
As of June 2017 there are 2666 emojis. I’m hyperventilating at the very thought of it.
I want to delete them all except for the smiley face ?, the laughing one ?, the winking one ?, the drinking one ?, the party one ?, the dancing one ? and of course the thumbs up ?.
I could live a very happy life with just those 7. They give me all I need to express myself.
To be fair I did use the poo/poop/shit/shite/jobby/turd (depending on where you come from) emoji for the first time today . Our dog had two friends around for a play date.
If shit was gold I would be a rich man. The garden was a mine field of poo. So I sent a message to the dog owners:
“So much ?”
They sent back laughing emojis.
“? ? ?”
It wasn’t meant to be funny. It was a cry for help.
Shigetaka Kurita is laughing from his grave. He created the first emoji in 1999. Actually I don’t know if he’s dead. At the very least he’s laughing at the worlds confusion from his house in Japan. Assuming, of course, that he still lives in Japan.
I’ve tried to stay away from the human emojis but I do get dragged in occasionally. The sports and music and vehicles and flags I tend to avoid.
I only recently lingered a little too long on the thumbs up emoji. I fell off my chair when 5 new similar thumbs in 5 shades of skin colour popped up in sequence.
Seriously how many colours do you need for a “high five”. The emoticon people come in 5 shades of skin colour. Dracula comes in 5 shades of grey. Who is going to intentionally choose the mid-range grey Dracula emoji? Am I just an old fuddy duddy? Am I getting grumpier in my old age.
I have just uploaded the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme tune as my new ring tone. I suppose that says it all.
Well to those who think I’m getting old and grumpy. I have one emoji for you.
I’m renaming it “The Larry David”